AOC Investigates Village Incident

The Australian Olympic Committee is investigating an incident in the athletes’ village last night involving two swimmers.

An AOC spokesman confirmed the incident, and said officials were still in discussions with the swimmers involved.

“We’re just talking to the swimmers at this stage,” he said.

No disciplinary action had been taken yet.

The AOC spokesman

Continue reading AOC Investigates Village Incident

USA Denies ‘Unfair Advantage’ Claim

The USA swimming team today refuted Australia’s protest into it’s late Olympic entrant Willy Grunter, the New Jersey freak who was born with and outboard motor between his legs instead of a what’s it.

USA team officials said that it was particularly cruel of the Australians to allege that Willy’s enhancements amounted to an unfair

Continue reading USA Denies ‘Unfair Advantage’ Claim

New Mascot Launched Today

The Australian Olympic Games Fund Raising Committee and Ladies Auxiliary today announced a new addition to the mascots that are currently available.

‘Silvia’ will join Wally, Bazza and Darky as games mascots and will go on sale immediately.

Silvia is a silver wattle leaf with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 faces.

“We think this

Continue reading New Mascot Launched Today

Australia Silver Tally Reaches New High

Runner Up Capital Of The World, Australia, today reached the unheard of tally of 21 second place prizes at the Sydney Olympics.

“We are top notch at being second rate” said a patriot.

Sources revealed that the avalanche of runner up prizes was going a long way toward restoring some national pride after the recent

Continue reading Australia Silver Tally Reaches New High

Silver Slide Continues

Australia’s dream of being the best at being almost good enough turned to sh!t today as they were overhauled by Russia in the Runner Up Stakes.

Russia sits on 28 Silver medals and Australia is on 25 with arch rivals and idols the USA.

Russia, always in top contention in the loser stakes, fulfilled it’s

Continue reading Silver Slide Continues

Silver Medal Tally Grows

Australian 1500 metre specialist ‘Gilly’ Perkins has made it a dream come true by winning silver in the mens 1500 freestyle final at the Sydney 2000 Olympics.

“I’ve tried to get this medal 3 times now and finally I have my hands on it”

“It’s a dream come true”

Perkins missed out on two previous

Continue reading Silver Medal Tally Grows

Australia Storm Into Second Place

Skippy

In unbelievable scenes today Australia stormed into 2nd place in the Olympics. They sit on 11 points behind arch rivals and idols, the Americans.

The Prime Minsters Office has declared September 18th an annual national holiday to celebrate reaching what many said was an unattainable goal by collecting so many second prizes. The

Continue reading Australia Storm Into Second Place

Pope Outraged By Off The Cuff Outburst

The head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope David has expressed ‘deep concern’ at the ongoing oppression suffered by catholics who play cricket in Australia.

‘The Australians have stooped to a new level today” he said. ‘No wonder they grow up the way they do”

The Pope was referring to Aussie cricketing golden boy Shane

Continue reading Pope Outraged By Off The Cuff Outburst

SHOCK: Poms Win Something

Pom spokesmen were today playing down their shock win in something.

‘We had been striving for second as we are desperate to be like our subjects the Australians who are second in damn near everything now”

“It’s not a fair go”

Aussie spokespeople said the Poms complaints were sour grapes for winning.

“Those losers should

Continue reading SHOCK: Poms Win Something

Out Of The Money And Loving It

The Australian nation rejoiced as one today as it slumped to 4th place in Olympics.

“I like coming second so much, I’ll have two of ’em” said King Packy The Second on behalf of his followers.

USA remains on top in an unassailable lead and today paid tribute to the Australian effort.

“We wish to

Continue reading Out Of The Money And Loving It

Sponsors Thrilled With Exposure

Soccer Thrills

It sounds like a lot of money to some of us but 20 Million Dollars is peanuts to Obidias, Official Ball Sponsor for Sydney 2000.

‘We were happy to pay the 20 million (excluding kick backs) for the exposure, we believe we got a good deal’

Soccer fans this reporter spoke too

Continue reading Sponsors Thrilled With Exposure

Lausanne To Sue ‘Aussie Fraudsters’

Lawyers representing the town of Lausanne are poised to claim 100 million dollars in damages against Australian fraudsters.

Lausanne is home to the IOC headquarters, the Olympic Museum (where an exhibit on the Tour De France is on show), as well as the headquarters of more than a dozen international sporting federations. Though a busy

Continue reading Lausanne To Sue ‘Aussie Fraudsters’

Lap Dancers Steal Limelight

Hugh Gerection, today sacked for allowing lap dancers into the athletes village, said he would repeat the deed if he was put in a similar situation again.

“Gizz a break Bluey” he told this reporter.

“Skirts all part of the perks in this job”

It is understood that games officials have decided to investigate the

Continue reading Lap Dancers Steal Limelight

Globalisation To Blame: Clark

Aussie Spokesman

New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark today blamed New Zealand’s poor showing on the medal table on globalisation.

“It’s just not fair” she said.

“We can’t afford to buy medals like some countries, and even if we could, my Government would oppose it” said Clark

Clark said as a small country New

Continue reading Globalisation To Blame: Clark

Freeman Apologises

Theft is Bad

Opening ceremony disappointment and gold medal hope Cathy Freeman today apologised to Australians for being affected by the stolen generation.

The apology was accepted on behalf of all Australians by King PACKY the Second.

“This is a truly symbolic gesture and proves that you are ‘one of the good ones’ ”

Continue reading Freeman Apologises

12 Year Drought Over

Cathy Freeman may have upset 31% of Australians by having the audacity to light the Olympic flame while currently being an Aboriginal but she has at least broken a 12 year drought on track Gold Medals for her country Australia.

Remarkably over 64% of Australia’s medal have been collected from messing about at the beach

Continue reading 12 Year Drought Over

Choker Lines Up For Coveted Silver Medal

In a huge upset, rank outsider Misty Hyman from the USA has defeated unbackable favorite, Australian Susie O’Neil in the 200 Butterfly.

Known as Madame Butterfly for her dramatics O’Neil’s choke has been enthusiastically greeted by overjoyed Australians.

A source from the NSW Choker Society said O’Neil’s failure would warm the hearts of Australians and

Continue reading Choker Lines Up For Coveted Silver Medal

Coppers Not Copping It

Police at the Sydney Olympics have warned they may take industrial action over the small portions of food they receive at Games sites, it was reported today.

Two unnamed police officers were quoted complaining about the amount of food they were being served.

“It’s not on as far as our mob is concerned” said a

Continue reading Coppers Not Copping It

Americans Demand Core Samples

Move over Skippy, here comes Flippy

In tactics recalling the Australian Defense of the Americas Cup in Perth, the American swimming team has called on the Olympic authorities to take core samples of Australian swimming sensation Flipper Thorpes’ enormous size 17 feet.

Labeled ‘Thorpedo’, Flipper was today brushing off claims that his enormous feet

Continue reading Americans Demand Core Samples

NR-HELL Move Into New Offices

HR-Hell HQ

The NR-Hell today advised that judicial shaftings will now take place at the new purpose built head office for the NR-Hell Jokediciary.

The building is situated at 14 Grovellenbeg Street, Central Sydney.

A spokes person for the NR-Hell said the building was designed by a leading architect and was meant to express

Continue reading NR-HELL Move Into New Offices